Fear is not something we welcome with joy. It distorts vision, diminishes confidence, and obstructs our path towards a desired destination. In every way, fear helps in discouraging change to materialize for no move can be made for as long as fear remains.
But to me, when fear came, I decided to welcome it with a smile. Last Thursday, my officemate and I discussed about a project which was initially disapproved by the panel of evaluators but was later pushed for reconsideration after a letter of endorsement from a congresswoman was received by the office. The incident did not sit well with us. First, it stands as an insult to the expertise and the authority of the panel of evaluators. Second, it may be regarded as an attack to the very nature of the Commission as grants-giving institution. Lastly, we in the rank-and-file are placed in a difficult situation wherein we are asked (and at times, forced) to bend the rules to favor the demands of the powers-that-be. The last reason elicited fear.
The following day, I told my officemate that after our discussion, I found myself staring blankly for a couple of times thinking about the implications of the said incident. I felt afraid that a day would come wherein I’ll get involve in a similar incident. I’ll be asked to do something which I know is against the policy 1and would have serious implications. But then, my manifestation would not be given attention and a problem will arise in which I am to be blamed though I was the first to protest. I told her that such incident is likely to happen and I will not wait for that to take place so I will just quit my work to evade it. Of course, she was surprised to learn of my decision.
Fear appeared as a gift. You see, fear, in this context, helped me to see the gravity and magnitude of the Commission’s flaws and the propensity for such flaws to fall and be blamed among the rank-and-file. Since I felt afraid of such possibility to take place, I admitted that I am seriously considering and will surely make haste attempts to get out of the Commission and transfer to my dream job. When I came in, I said that I will only stay for five years. But now, I told them that I might transfer before I reach my fourth year.
Apart from the fear of such possibility taking place, I found other reasons to arrive to such decision. I felt that being a member of the Secretariat is not congruent with my personality. I like to write papers in which I can input what I know and believe in, to be involved in decision-making, and stand as a respected expert of my chosen field. Being in the Secretariat does not give me the opportunity to do all these things because it favors my ability to facilitate and coordinate which are basically people skills. I go more for the thinking task and regard written outputs as accomplishments.
At this point, I’m developing strategies to effectively deal with my work despite my diminishing interest in it. I’m giving myself a year to prepare my application for my desired career.
Fear helped me to make a vision and in developing ways on how to achieve it. May fear do the same to you and bring you to fearless depths.
In Chinese culture, fear is the dominant concern of people with born with a predominantly water personality. Fear is just another side of wisdom. And water person is born to be wise. Wala lang. Hahaha… Akalain mo yun, bumagsak ako sa pagiging mapamahiin?! But it really works! Hope your fear has guided you well. =)